Getting Naked - The ingredients to a perfect storm

While talking with some friends, I finally put into words why I wasn't as "put together" or "owning it" the way that they thought I was.  The way things look from outside can be quite deceiving.
The following is what I composed (and later elaborated a little) to try to fully explain the extent of the craziness in my brain that no one else can see.




My anxiety has been through the roof, lately.  Along with a few other things...
Here's the domino effect that I see in action in my life:


1) ADD makes everything just a little harder. Every failure feels personal, even if it isn't. Self doubt gets planted by the mind spin of negative self talk. (I'm pretty sure I made up that term "mind spin").

Feels like there are ALWAYS too many tabs open in my mental browser...

2) Negative self talk and self doubt lead to more self esteem issues and open the door to depression - making everything THAT MUCH HARDER and using MORE ENERGY for EVERY FREAKING TASK!

(Have you heard of the spoon theory?)

3) Things get forgotten or there just isn't enough time. This triggers anxiety over:

- the stuff not done

- the stuff forgotten

- the stuff that obviously will never get done

- planning, double and triple booking yourself, figuring out what to cancel, calling people and actually canceling....

- being tired

- what other people think of you for flaking out

- what other people think of you for being so unproductive

- what other people think of you for forgetting to call them back

- when people get frustrated with you for interrupting
- the disheveled state of your living space
- the disheveled state of your work space
- what you might be forgetting RIGHT NOW
- all that other stuff that hasn't even come through my mind yet...

anxiety winds around tighter and tighter...

4) Exacerbated chronic pain from the emotional stress of the other 3 states.
I have 2 bulged discs that flare up in the cold.  Or when I sit for too long.  Or when I've twisted wrong.  Or, apparently, when emotions are spiraling and feeding into my insecurities...

You never know when the nerve pain is going to rear it's ugly head...

5) Each of the previous 4 conditions sucks more energy alone than a normal person would need to do any given task. As they stack and combine, it takes a monumental effort just to get out of bed, let alone get through the day, so even if you sleep for 8 or 9 hours, you'll never feel rested because it takes 12 hours of solid rem sleep cycles to recover all the energy used the previous day just to function at a basic level....

How can I possibly get out of this spiraling mess??

And that's all BEFORE any major life stressors!!

(Like the truck breaking... 3 times in 2 months... The house breaking...  First the kitchen faucet, now the dishwasher... Medical bills... Taxes....)


When you're stuck inside of this perfect storm, it feels like you're never going to be able to get out.  It all just spins together into a vortex of chaos, emotion, and hopelessness.
If you are stuck in this "swirling vortex of terror", I need you to know that you are not alone.


Let me repeat that.


YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


I'm sharing my journey with the world.  If it helps even ONE person find a small moment of peace, it is all worth it.